The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

Rudy Giuliani rushed to Walter Reed Medical Center; ends up at 'Walter Reed Hardware and Landscaping'

The past few weeks have been rough for Rudy Giuliani, former mayor of New York City and C-SPAN's current “most times farting on-air” record-holder. After a train wreck of a process attempting to fight the reality that Joe Biden is the U.S. president-elect, the reveal that he had also contracted the coronavirus was shocking to the Bluff team, mostly due to our assumption that his vampiric form transcended the ability to contract human sickness. Nonetheless, Giuliani was rushed to Walter Reed Medical Center, only to yet again face another not-so-shocking complication.

It turned out that Giuliani and his team had accidentally reached out to Walter Reed Hardware and Landscaping, a small business 20-30 miles from the famous military hospital, to let them know that they would be rushing in momentarily and to prepare a room and bed for Giuliani’s arrival. Giuliani and his staff arrived at the small business moments later, inciting panic and confusion between both the staff of the small establishment and the team of unpaid interns working for the ghoul of a man the Bluff legally has to identify as Rudy Giuliani.

The Bluff team is unsure of how this massive confusion began, but sources close to the Giuliani team believe that the mistake rests solely on Rudy Giuliani’s shoulders, the former mayor insisting he call Walter Reed himself. In his haste, Giuliani apparently dialed up the wrong "Walter Reed" and neglected to provide the small establishment any information other than the sentence “I NEED A BED AND ROOM NOW,” hanging up before Walter Reed could further clarify with the man who once married his second cousin.

Mitch Jablinsky, owner of Walter Reed Hardware and Landscaping, reached out to the Bluff to discuss the issue upon request, stating that they were “unaware of Mr. Giuliani’s illness” and that they “did prepare a bed and room” for Rudy. It is noted that the bed was made up of a variety of flowers and the room was designed under the intention that it would be used for another chaotic, terribly worded press conference that would confuse the masses even more.

After a lot of inhuman screaming, delusional ranting and passing gas from Giuliani, the former mayor left the small store, his team following close behind. The Bluff can confirm that Giuliani is doing alright, relatively speaking, and being taken care of at the proper medical center. However, sources close to the medical team assisting one of America’s weirdest individuals note that they are having difficulty reading his test results, unable to identify a blood type or categorize him as medically "human."

The Bluff team will update as the situation unfolds.

Bluff Assistant Editor

I am a screenwriting major from Orange County, California. I am a human who likes to do human things like breathe and drink water.

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