The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

Sen. Mike Lee comes clean on everything from elementary school to now

On Feb. 10, the second day of Donald Trump’s impeachment trial, a verbal dispute occurred. As the proceedings were coming to a close for the day, Utah Sen. Mike Lee attempted to clear his name as a witness in the phone call between Donald Trump and Sen. Tommy Tuberville. While other senators dismissed this issue as solvable yet unimportant, Sen. Lee insisted on the importance of getting the facts straight. The issue was of so much importance to Lee that he contacted Bluff reporters requesting an interview to “clear his name.” The interview, which appeared more like a well-rehearsed monologue, reads as follows:

After Wednesday I had a striking revelation: I deserve better. I deserve more. I deserve to let the truth set me free. America, I am here to clear my name.

First off, I would like to recount the moment my first grade teacher Ms. Dana left the classroom and my unsupervised class decided to shirk our schoolwork and throw a party in her absence. I would like the record to show that I did not partake in any of this tomfoolery. My former classmate Tom blamed me for his hysterical laughter when Ms. Dana came back, stating I was 'doing the chicken dance but with farts instead of clucks.' This is false. I have not thought of chicken dancing, I have never tried to chicken dance and I most certainly did not do anything of chicken dancing nature that day. The entire time this event occurred I was sitting calmly in my seat, perfecting the art of adding four and four without having to count on my fingers. This is the whole truth and I will not stand for any account contrary to this.

Furthermore, I would like to clear up another false accusation whose erroneous nature could have dire consequences: I am not team Jacob. Did I make a comment about the outstanding 'glow up' that Jacob had from the first 'Twilight' movie to 'New Moon,' not only physically but as a character? Yes, but it’s only right to acknowledge such an increase of beauty and the immense support that he provided Bella when she was heartbroken over Edward. Have I occasionally received inspiration for my various political speeches from eloquently written Jacob x Reader fan fictions? Maybe, but that’s simply appreciating art. I am able to do this while understanding that Jacob and Bella were never going to happen, while holding to my great American values that uphold the marriage of a human and a vampire as the ideal household. Some may say this is ridiculous to have to assert, but those people aren’t the ones being accused of such a heinous act. Come back and speak to me when you’ve been accused of supporting a guy who imprints on his friend’s daughter and proceeds to nickname her after the Loch Ness monster.

"Finally, and perhaps most importantly, I would like to clear up something very personal that has been weighing on me for years. To my niece, Julia, a current college student with big dreams for the future: I would like you to know that I let you win at Chutes and Ladders. Every time we played, every victory was a sham. I refuse to be suffocated any longer not only by my own guilt, but your inflated ego that came about because of these lies. The root of your intelligence, the very thing that has gotten you this far in life, has been a lie. You have paraded it around while I have had to play the loser in front of the family, pretend I was inferior. I’m done with that now. I let you make up the rules. I pretended a ladder was a chute to prevent winning too early. Even so, one day I was a small ladder away from winning when your mom– yes, your own mother, – pulled me aside and begged me to let you win on the grounds that you were 'only 6 years old.' That started the deception, and now I refuse to keep her or my own self safe anymore. The truth must prevail. You should have lost that day, but in the end it was I who lost myself.”

As Lee finished, tears began to well in his eyes. A Bluff reporter proceeded to enquire why Lee felt knowledge of this information was vital to American citizens. “If this had come out sooner,” Lee whispered, “the impeachment trial would have ended in a very different way.”

Bluff reporters nodded along to this, not necessarily out of agreement, but out of understanding that these issues had evidently been weighing on Lee for quite some time and sometimes people just need some unquestioned comfort.

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