The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

Senator Ted Cruz's haircut now identified as 'hate crime'; FBI opens investigation

It has not been a great week for Ted Cruz. On top of being criticized mercilessly for taking a trip to Cancun while the state of Texas is being ravaged by a natural disaster and blaming his daughters when he was caught, the Republican senator is now officially under investigation by the FBI. Many readers would justifiably assume the investigation would have something to do with the Capitol riot on Jan. 6, but, no. The FBI is opening an investigation on the grounds of “fashion” more-so than “fascist.”

Ted Cruz’s haircut, a very timely mullet he was seen rocking during the past week of Senate meetings, has been making the rounds on the internet with many on social media platforms condemning the look as a “fashion crime.” A multitude of titles for the look were thrown around, but as soon as the term “hate crime” got thrown into the ring, the FBI felt it was obligated to investigate the situation.

“We take hate crimes very seriously here … and boy they weren’t kidding about this one being a doozy,” says Mark O’Donnell, lead investigator on the case and secretary of the Ted Cruz anti-fan club. “It’s really tough to even look at the photos of it … Like what was he going for? A double-chinned Kurt Russell? It’s not working, man.”

To the dismay of the FBI agents eager to work on the case, much of the work involves having to stare at pictures of Ted Cruz, a task that no one is really clamoring to follow through with. The Bluff team covering the case found a young FBI agent crying at his work station after spending 30 minutes scrolling through photos of the Texan senator.

“I will say,” O’Donnell says, “that it is somewhat refreshing to see Mr. Cruz have a haircut that matches his personality.” After O’Donnell discovered that the aspiring traitor received the haircut from someone who was arrested for defying COVID-19 safety guidelines, the FBI agent described it as the “cherry on top.”

The Bluff team is unsure whether the FBI will charge Senator Cruz with anything, but it is noted that they do consider his horror show of a haircut a legitimate hate crime. The Bluff will update as the situation unfolds.

Bluff Assistant Editor

I am a screenwriting major from Orange County, California. I am a human who likes to do human things like breathe and drink water.

(1) comment


fashion crime [lol]

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