Though America is being ravaged by the coronavirus, citizens can rest assured that there are still brave, noble souls guarding them against the real dangers. As hundreds tragically die every day, heroic Republican Senators have ascended Capitol Hill proposing solutions to the real crisis: COVID-19’s possible effects on the industry of spitting into strangers' mouths.
With the new health risks presented by COVID-19, there are fewer and fewer people paying to have a complete stranger spit in their mouth, once a widespread subset of the entertainment/nightclub industry. “It used to be my favorite pastime,” says Ben Goldstein, upstanding citizen and a fan of the trend.
With the severe decline in the outings of stranger-mouth-spitting enthusiasts (better known as ‘phlegm-heads'), hundreds of bouncers, nightclub owners, bartenders and of course mouth-spitters, are losing their jobs. The entire industry is completely tanking, and sending shock waves throughout the economy; from the Dow Jones to the housing market, numbers are plummeting, and experts are saying it could be a 2008-level market-wide crisis.
Luckily, a small handful of Republican senators, themselves 'phlegm-heads,' have nobly taken the mantle of protecting this industry upon themselves. In an impassioned speech last Friday, Sen. Ted Cruise spoke from the heart to the entire United States Senate: “We are leaving behind the proud blue-collar workers that this country was built upon and forgetting the shoulders that lifted this country from its earliest days.” Cruise, along with several other senators including, Lindsey Ham, Pan Paul and Mitch McDonald (a notorious and lifelong phlegm-head), co-authored a bill entitled “The Salivary Stimulus."
The senators have strongly advocated an early end to the lockdown orders that have been instituted across the country, and fast — fears have arisen that if customers don’t return to guzzling the saliva of a total stranger like they used to, the industry could collapse for good. “We understand that people could die if the lockdowns are lifted,” said Sen. McDonald, “but that’s a risk we simply must take. I myself have quite a large sum of money invested in this industry. I can’t allow all that to go away. Think of the economy!”
As of yet, Sen. Pan Paul has not commented on this issue, although he has previously indicated his support for ending the lockdown to protect the economy, regardless of the lives lost. However, since his COVID-19 diagnosis, he may have changed his mind.