The six-foot deep hole in Sunken Garden, which has graced our presence for days, has become a significant tripping hazard for dozens of students. Several students per hour fall into the hole, which has led to at least three ambulance trips from Sunken Garden all the way to the safe and helpful realm of the Department of Public Safety (p-safe) building. At p-safe, the students are given half-melted ice packs to heal their concussions and broken bones. According to the Department of Public Safety, this high-quality medical care comes absolutely free with students’ $65,000 yearly tuition fees.
Everyone know that these days, no one is watching their step ー they’re watching their screens. While it is a convenient way to avoid ex-roommates, ex-professors or exes in general, students also fail to notice drops, stairs and LMU’s giant tree-hanging spiders. However, the Sunken Garden hole has taken students’ experience with tripping to a whole new depth.
Fal Ling, a senior sociology major who has witnessed at least six separate students walk straight into Foley Fountain while on their phones, decided to take up the issue as part of her senior thesis.
“I just noticed that like, people fall all the time,” she said. “It’s really funny, but also interesting. I wanted to see how many people would be on their phones, fail to see a hole in the ground and just drop right in.”
Ling called her hole a “human trap” and prides herself on “catching people off-kilter all the time.” She continued, saying, “do you know how many iPhones I’ve ruined? The students who fall in don’t even care about their broken collar bones. They just care that their new iPhone 11 just got ruined by one stupid step. It’s been a fascinating project.”
Several students who have fallen prey to Ling’s experiment have been sent to the ICU ー the iPhone Care Unit. The unit is located in Playa Vista and is exclusively for those who have harmed their phones in tragic accidents. While they do all they can to save the phones, it often is not enough. When they simply cannot be saved, customers are offered free grief therapy services, a stipend for funeral costs and a temporary iPod to help get them through the tough times.
Ling’s tripping experiment is expected to last until the class action lawsuit against the sociology department is complete.
The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.