The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

Sodexo brings unplanned surprise to LMU's campus

The Lair’s food has recently been increasing in ratings. Ironically, this better food was an accidental shipment meant for a prison.

In the middle of desolate central California, there is a warehouse that serves as Sodexo’s distribution center for the West Coast. This facility supplies food for many different dining hubs on the coast, including our very own LMU. Aside from LMU, Sodexo provides food for many restaurants and high security prisons across the nation and the world.

Last week, Sodexo admitted that there was a mishap in their shipment routes.

Sodexo spokesperson Sadie Eckso issued the statement, “Dear patrons of LMU, we regret to inform you that there was a mixup on our shipment of food to your school. Instead of your regular shipment, you received San Quentin maximum security prison’s shipment.” What happened next may shock you.

No one noticed. In fact, the approval rating of LMU dining facilities increased by 4 points. The Lair implemented a special menu—unique daily dishes—to accommodate for the surprise shipment. Head Chef Bouya Ardee said, “At first we were thinking ‘what do we do with all this, this isn’t our regular stuff’ — but then we had a grand idea.” From this grand idea, the special menu of the week was born. With its success, the special menu has stuck and will continue every month.

The shipment that was supposed to arrive at LMU went to San Quentin prison in Northern California. The kitchen staff at the prison has expressed utter distress due to their inability to make anything edible with the shipment.

Dr. Michael Swango of the San Quentin infirmary states that there has been an increase in infirmary visits due to stomach pain and dysentery. Thirty-three deaths have been reported due to these illnesses, and Dr. Swango has assured us that “it is not due to my history of murdering my patients. This crisis can be solely pegged on the food situation here. I will be bringing this development to the government as a potential alternative to euthanasia.” 

It’s not a surprise that Sodexo’s best produce goes to their for-profit prisons in Europe. Gotta keep the livestock healthy!

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