The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

Strange research opportunities YOU can apply to

Anyone who has ventured into Pereira in the last few weeks will be keenly aware of LMU’s new top-notch research study — the one about birds that fly into LMU buildings. Unfortunately, to be on the research team for such a prestigious project is highly competitive, so the Bluff has taken the liberty of compiling other LMU research opportunities for students that just couldn’t make the cut.

Those with high hopes of being selected for the bird research next year may be interested in a similar opportunity researching bugs that fly into LMU buildings. While still competitive, being on this project will surely give you an edge up on your bird application for next year.

If that is not for you, there is also an LMU research project delving into the freshness of fruit wrapped in plastic versus those wrapped in nothing but their own skin. This opportunity has arisen from LMU’s tendency to layer fruit in an inch of plastic. While Sodexo workers swear it’s the best way to do things, researchers want to make sure.

In addition, there is a group of LMU students teaming up to research the effects freshmen have on upperclassmen. Ultimately, their goal is to prove that freshmen have such an adverse effect on the rest of the student population that they should be quarantined in their rooms while not in class. Freshmen are not allowed to partake in this research, but upperclassmen are encouraged.

Another group will be studying the efficacy of Student Psychological Services’ short-term practices on students’ wellbeing. Psychology majors are preferred.

Finally, another research team is looking into the best way to help students overcome their fear of spiders. If you’ve happened to see the crab-sized spiders hanging from campus trees, you’ve already seen the first part of their study. But it’s not too late to join! They accept anyone willing to hold, eat and sleep with spiders.

There’s a research opportunity for everyone — and the best part is, they pay! Though you won’t get your check right away, it’s sure to come back to you in the future when employers see all the great research you did as an undergrad.

The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

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