The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

Stress from returning home leads to pre-mature balding

A recent study shows an increasing number of students experience high levels of stress when returning home for the holidays. The constant questioning, resurgence of house rules and the turmoil of siblings can all lead to many feeling unhappy during the most wonderful time of the year. In a twisted turn of events, a growing number of students have begun to seemingly leave their hair at home. The physical toll of so much stress has caused a premature balding epidemic within the student community.

In an event some are calling “The Baldening,” many have begun to notice hair loss brought on by the month-long break, spent in an environment that some deem stress-inducing.

“Yeah, it wasn’t fun going back,” said Buzz Kut, a sophomore who was too used to his LMU lifestyle. “When I went home, my parents didn’t skip a beat. They just kept asking about my grades and classes. I mean, I went home to stop thinking about school and now it’s being shoved down my throat.” Kut became a victim of The Baldening after Christmas Eve dinner, which involved an interrogation from his extended family about why he doesn’t have a girlfriend yet.

Another victim who spoke out is Reese Eading, a freshman whose hair began deteriorating at lightning speed days before returning back to school. “It was horrible. Literally all my parents said to me all break was ‘did you check your email?’” Eading continued by showing us a total of 42 text messages requesting she check her email while not in the house.

The Baldening struck students at their most vulnerable: being lectured by family members. Participants in the survey suggest a way to prevent serious stress and The Baldening, such as leaving school out of the dinner-time conversations or during the holiday festivities. Our thoughts and prayers go out to those who fell victim to The Baldening, and all of us at the Bluff hope they know that bald is beautiful.

The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

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