The surveys have been conducted and the results are in: LMU students graduate college with less student debt than any other post-secondary school in the country.
Oh wait… even Bluff can’t pull off a joke like that. The reality is, Lions are leaving LMU with more student debt than the amount of money Trump avoided paying in his taxes. And while we aren’t sure the exact number, we can say with darn certainty it’s quite a lot.
Some, however, believe the debt is worth it. “I have no doubt I’ll have my loans paid off within six months of graduation,” said Caw Oky, a senior English major. “Once people see I have an English degree, they’ll hire me on the spot. I’m skipping law school and heading straight for a firm,” he said.
Similarly, junior political science major San Ders is not worried about her $200,000 of debt. “Bernie’s gonna be president when I get out,” she said. “And he said he’ll cover my costs. That’s why I haven’t paid a cent to LMU. I’ve covered 100% of the price with loans so far. It’s very strategic. Once Bernie’s in office, I’ll never have to pay back a penny.”
But certain students aren’t quite so optimistic about their rising student loans. “My tuition pays for Buster to love me,” said health and human sciences major Cat P. Erson. “So why is he so rude? He bit me! I’m going into debt for this?”
Regardless of your take, if you don’t already have negative amounts of money, you will soon. Better just cross your fingers for Bernie or quickly switch into an English major to ensure a highly prestigious job right out of college. It seems those are your only two options.
The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.