Parents' Weekend brings two distinct problems for students: parents coming and parents not coming. Equally unnerving, equally exciting; equally embarrassing, equally satisfying. Here is your complete guide on what to expect at this year’s Parents' Weekend — and how to handle it.
If your parents are coming, congrats! Also, I’m sorry. To prepare for mom, make sure to make your bed and tuck away those mostly-empty bottles of cheap vodka your friend bought you with their fake. Wouldn’t hurt you to take out your trash, either. Nobody needs any physical evidence of all those physical activities you’ve been up to, least of all your family. But, hey — good job at being safe.
If you still haven’t told them about that stick-and-poke some girl on your floor gave you, Parent’s Weekend might not be the time to have it uncovered. Just sayin’.
Familiarize yourself with the library a day or two before your parents arrive. That way you can show them around it and give them the impression that you take your academics very, very seriously. Maybe even guide them to your favorite study spot.
They’re paying a lot of money for you to be here! Make it all look worthwhile. Explain to them how—as much as you used to nap and play video games during high school—there are just too many opportunities here to waste time on sleep. Show them the plethora of productive activities that occupy your time. Say hi to everyone you pass so your parents think you’ve made friends.
If your parents won't be around this weekend, I extend both my congratulations and my pity. There are some things you can do to get through this weekend, too.
For one, address everyone’s parents as “bro” or “sis.” They’re likely missing their own college days, so treat them like a fellow student for a little while! If you make them feel cool enough, you may turn them into those “cool parents” who’ll buy you a lil' bit of whatever an underage kiddo might want. You never know.
When you see those teary-eyed mothers and proud fathers hugging their student in the middle of the Lair, don’t get jealous. Instead, make fun of the student until they blush scarlet and drip a few tears. It’ll take you back to your middle school days. Oh, what fun!
To make the most out of your weekend, you could try and horrify some unsuspecting parents with the rash, brazen liberal-ness of Southern California. A lot of these elder folk are coming from, um, more conservative places. So, have some fun by upping your public displays of affection (straight or other), protesting the bra, attempting hardcore parkour or exposing them to today’s party music they have so intentionally avoided. The naked rain run, too, may be a fun weekend option.
Have fun this weekend, kids! Send your parents some love.
The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.