The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

Dirty Room

Half a messy dorm room is half a clean one. Keep calm and carry on.

Got a unique roommate? You’re not alone. Read on to hear some of the wildest roommate tales ever told.

Parker Buggy, freshman psychology major from the Bay Area: “My roommate had this weird thing with bugs, like a fetish. He was some sort of environment major, you know, so I was like, cool, whatever. But then one day, I got back to the room and sat down on my bed, started feeling all this tickling. Looked down, I’ve got spiders in my sheets, at least 100 of them — hundreds of long, thick black legs and they’re all over. Roommate said he was doing a reproduction experiment. I think it worked.”

Jayne Pron, sophomore finance major from Connecticut: “Me and my roommate never talked much, and she’s an international student. She used to always settle in under her blankets and listen to these audiobooks. She never wore headphones but the noise didn’t distract me because it was all in Italian. Found out about a month later she was listening to Italian erotica while I did my algebra four feet away.”

Emma Mammy, freshman undeclared major from Kansas: “My roommate and I had worked out a kind of silent agreement about the room cleaning jobs — I would do the cleaning. I left her alone for a week while I went home for Thanksgiving, came back and our fridge was overgrown with mold … because she didn’t think her spilled yogurt in there would be a problem. Guess who got to clean it?”

McKenna Danse, freshman theatre major from Denver: “My roommate and I always did our own separate things, which was completely fine. But one night I was alone in the room, doing alone things — personal dance party, singing, audience-less monologues. About half an hour later, my closet opens from the inside and out emerges my roommate. The news she has for me? ‘I have a guy in the closet.’ And that’s the story of how I became a hostage accomplice.”

Cole Dawake, junior business major from Pennsylvania: “Ever heard of a sleep-talker? How about a sleep-screamer, a sleep-crier and a sleep-secret-teller? As macho-seeming as my roommate is, every night I listen as he whines about his hopelessness with girls, his childhood playground failures and his desire for donuts. Also, he snores. He has no idea.”

Claudio Americano, junior entrepreneurship major from Mexico: “My roommate is a Trump supporter.”

Got your own wonky roommate story? Shoot the Loyolan an e-mail. In the meantime, in through the nose, out through the mouth.

The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

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