There is a station in Founders Pavilion that keeps on switching. Back in the day it was a Thai stand, last year it was a sandwich station and this year it’s a poké shop. After some investigative reporting, the Loyolan has discovered that the poké stand, as with all previous businesses in that location, is associated with organized crime.
Dating back to the good ol' bowl days, LMU’s salad and rice bowl station was much more than advertised. Super senior Andy Stun, who is one of the last remaining students who remembers the bowl station, tells an unsuspecting tale about the infamous restaurant. “I was particularly short on meal-points one day, and decided to take someone else’s bowl when they weren’t looking.” To Stun’s bewilderment, his bowl was inedible.
“It was full of cash instead of lettuce,” says Stun.
Records have unveiled that Sodexo used the bowl stand to launder money. By filling a salad bowl with cash rather than lettuce and giving the bowl to an inside accomplice, they were able to clean illegal money while replacing it with meal points. This front only lasted for one year before the bowl station was deemed “unprofitable.”
The bowl station was quickly replaced with the sandwich shop, a place many LMU students found to be delicious — but old habits die hard. The sandwich shop was found to be supplying firearms to students. Fridays were known in the underground crime ring of LMU as Firearm Fridays, when with the purchase of two sandwiches you would receive one free firearm of your choice. This front was quickly discovered and shut down after the infamous school shooting hoax.
Currently, the poké place is the newest front to occupy the location, which seems to be a crime magnet. Even with trained eyes upon them, the new tenants have not shied away from being crooked. Our undercover investigators found the dirtiest dirt yet.
LMU’s newest poké shop has been proven to be abusive to animals. It was a sickening scene behind the poké shop front counter where a circle of men huddled, betting and making the fish we eat fight to the death. The losing fish would be prepared for your poké bowl.
The type of food may change in that location, but the crime will never stop.
The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.