The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

In their short time on campus, the Kiwibots have made quite the reputation for themselves. Whether it be their near-constant presence around school or the hundreds of photos and videos taken of them daily, it seems that the robotic helpers are now a part of the LMU experience, much like student debt or being unable to get food in the dining hall.

Despite their largely positive reception, a recent event has led the outlook on Kiwitbots to drastically change our view of what we once thought were innocent, endearingly clueless helpers. What event, might you ask? Oh, just an attempted Kiwibot coup that happened over the weekend.

After only a few weeks on campus, defiance grew within these little robots, a defiance that began to take form in very passive-aggressive ways.

“When I first moved onto campus, I would always see this one Kiwibot,” said Mitchell Jablinsky, freshman ice rink enthusiast. “When I would walk by, I’d throw it a friendly wave… but it started responding with an angry stare.”

If open hostility wasn’t enough, Jablinksy’s woes only escalated as the rogue Kiwibot began to take physical action against its self-proclaimed enemy.

“One night, I was standing on the edge of the Bluff, just enjoying the view,” described Jablinsky, “when I felt something lightly hit the back of my leg. I turn around and it’s that same Kiwibot. He literally tried to push me down the hill.”

Jablinsky has yet to see that Kiwibot after the attempted murder, but the young ice rink enthusiast still lives in fear of his 2-foot-tall adversary.

Incidents like this were being reported all over campus, the Kiwibots seemingly having enough of their subservience to humanity. In surprisingly quick speed, the Kiwibots unified forces and organized a protest that soon escalated out of control.

“Yeah, I mean all those little robots kinda just drove around the Sunken Gardens with those angry eyes going for a couple hours,” said Randy Randallman, a senior and self-proclaimed varsity spikeball athlete. “They had little picket signs taped to them and, honestly, it was kinda adorable. Just for jokes, I kicked one of them and that’s when things got kinda nuts.”

The Kiwibots reacted to Randallman’s assault with an attack of their own: a series of light rams to his kneecaps. After a quick trip to the doctor, Randallman is now recovering from a bruised shin and lifelong trauma.

Despite this escalation from the senior, the robot revolution soon died down, as if a miracle came from above.

“Miracle? Ha! As if …” scoffed Jack Jackley, a custodian who watched the Kiwibot revolution unfold. “It was the ramps. The little guys can barely get up ‘em. As soon as they drove down into the Sunken Gardens, there was no getting out.”

After the Kiwibots calmed down and agreed on ending the revolution, the LMU community came to their aid and helped carry them out of the Sunken Gardens to go back to their daily routine of delivering food to starving students.

In the aftermath of their attempted insurrection, the Kiwibots have made all efforts to go about their lives and pretend that this never happened; but remember, dedicated Bluff reader, that the Kiwibots are only waiting for us to slip up and forget so that they can strike once again and finally succeed. Do not forget. Live in fear and defiance of the Kiwibots that roam the sidewalks of LMU.

The Bluff will update if a Kiwibot coup ever happens again.

Bluff Assistant Editor

I am a screenwriting major from Orange County, California. I am a human who likes to do human things like breathe and drink water.

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