The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

Things you can't say during First Amendment Week

Originally, the First Amendment was called the FIST amendment.

Due to the explicit nature of the article hmmm* were expecting, it has been pulled last minute. The author of “What you [sic] can’t say during First Amendment Week” failed to recognize that if hmmm* cannot say it during the week of free speech adoration, then hmmm* most definitely cannot say it any other time.

Instead, we have curated a guide list for hmmm* to be sure hmmm* always politically correct.

Things to avoid:

Using absolutely anything that isn’t hmmms*: culture, ideas, pronouns and aux cords.

Blowing the cover on the family hmmm’ve* been trying to cover up because of their radical ideas. This means keep hmmm* mom off speakerphone on campus, especially after she finds out hmmm* sister is an American defector and collaborating with Iran. On the other hand, maybe don’t share those full-body skin graft pictures hmmm* dad sent from his “Reverse Sammy Sosa procedure.”

Entering into the Confess Exhibit — nothing good can come from it. It’ll either set hmmm* up for a bad joke that will haunt hmmm* forever, or hmmm’ll* be left teary-eyed. It’s a lose-lose situation.

To see any of the aforementioned behaviors, check out a comedy club, but not the one on campus. No one wants their faces attached to politically incorrect content.

Things to do:

Share showers. The act of sharing showers exposes hmmmself* to new lines of thought—we all know our best thinking happens in the bathroom—and saves tremendous amounts of water in the meantime. It also guarantees hmmm* wash behind hmmm* ears!

Hum at people to get their attention. It’s far less disrespectful than whistling, snapping or assuming their pronouns. A soothing tune and a batting of the eyes are the new way of saying, “Hey there, I really value you as a person and think that I’d value your time, as well as make your time with me worth it. Maybe you’d like to go grab something to eat or drink, or just sit and talk for a while in the grass?”

Wear strictly gray-tones. Colors have historically been deemed either worthy or unworthy of being worn in accordance with someone’s skin tone. Change hmmm* wardrobe to strictly grey, white and black to always be in style and never rustle anyone’s jimmies.

We thank hmmm* for hmmm* understanding in why we could not run the other article.

*Hmmm(s) denotes the usage of the pronouns you/r/’re

The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

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