The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

Time for some deliciously crafted celebrity roasts

I said I wanted to roast Kim but I didn't think it would go this far.

Do you have a celebrity you look up to? Do you admire the way they go about their life, with everything they touch turning to gold? Do you keep up with the latest E! Hollywood episodes and read every single issue of People magazine? If you answered yes to any of these questions, I suggest turning the page because what comes next may not be very pleasing to you and may include slightly unflattering words regarding your favorite celebrities. Without further ado, "here we go:"

Kim Kardashian has the physical build of a worker ant.

Jennifer Garner is too damn pleasant. Even when she’s mad in a movie she never ceases to use her calm whisper to get her point across. If Jennifer Gardner were a tulip, she would probably be the guidance counselor of all the tulips.

Shia LaBeouf. Man, I love this dude, I really do. It just seems like he's always going full tilt 24/7 when maybe sometimes he should chill out. He’s the type of dude that would give a motivational speech at a funeral.

Emma Stone sounds like a diesel engine.

I have met metamorphic rocks dating back to the formation of the Earth that show more emotion and acting know-how than Kristen Stewart.

Brad Pitt is a grade-A jerk for making straight men doubt their sexuality for decades.

If a toad and Ms. Frizzle had a baby, that baby would be Ed Sheeran.

Jay Leno looks more like a bobblehead than actual bobblehead.

Bruce Willis looks like an angry booger.

I’m 99.9 percent sure that Christopher Walken is a serial killer.

It is impossible to differentiate between the noises Jennifer Lawrence makes during fight scenes and sex scenes from audio alone.

Thank you and carry on.

The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

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