The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

Top Five public bathrooms at LMU

5. Any bathroom in U-Hall

The U-Hall bathrooms are average in the sense that they’re small, generally clean and always have soap, toilet paper and paper towels. However, their bland beige tiles make going to the bathroom an incredibly boring experience. The absence of color makes these bathrooms feel like a prison, and their extreme low light (while good for the environment) hinders your vision. Overall, the bathrooms in U-Hall simply feel like a public school bathroom and there’s nothing special about them.

4. The Hannon Library

The fourth best bathroom at LMU can be found on the second floor of the Hannon Library. This bathroom is notorious for its cool green tiles, full length mirror and countless stalls. While many stalls may be a concern for you if you prefer privacy in the bathroom, you will find that everybody else has this same thought process and you will have the choice between ten stalls to do your business in. The quiet ambience of the library additionally adds to your experience, and you can even choose a book to take into the bathroom with you to keep you entertained until the completion of your bowel movement.

3. St. Robert’s Hall

At number three we have the bathroom in St. Robert's Hall. This bathroom has a wall covered in windows which look out onto Sunken Garden, and with the windows always being open, a cool breeze and the glorious sounds of nature penetrate the room as you do your duty. The spacious stalls additionally give you lots of extra room to place your belongings, and practice important things you can only do in private like memorizing your new limited edition card pack of “The Women who Changed Politics."

2. The Howard B. Fitzpatrick Pavilion

Are you looking for a modern bathroom that is brand new and has incredible lighting? Look no further! The new film building bathrooms each have a large mirror over their sinks that have vanity quality lighting, which make them the perfect location to check out your entirely thrifted outfit or fix your intense winged eyeliner. If cleanliness is a concern for you when choosing the right bathroom to do your business in, the film school bathrooms are the perfect option because each one of them contains an autonomous vacuum, sponsored by the same people who brought you Kiwibots.

1. Undisclosed

Sadly, we cannot disclose the location of the top bathroom at LMU due to the fact that this might increase bathroom-going traffic. We will say, however, that this bathroom ranks first due to its calming blue tiles and small size, which allows for total privacy. The bathroom's open windows and proximity to a constant stream of water additionally contribute to its calming nature, beautifully meshing with the sound of singing and intense acting that can be faintly overheard through the walls. Playwright Lin-Manuel Miranda once used this bathroom and is quoted as saying, "That bathroom is godly. I just created the most wonderful movement of my life, and I wrote Hamilton so that's saying a lot."

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