10. Road Runner and Daffy Duck - "Looney Tunes"
I just don’t feel like I could hold a conversation with the Road Runner – I’d get tired of “Meep Meep” pretty damn quick, and that’s a dealbreaker. On top of that I kinda lumped these two into one category because honestly, I was never really a Looney Tunes kid. We didn’t really have cable growing up, so they start off with a low ranking just for a lack of sentimentality.
9. Woodstock - "Peanuts"
Eh. I'm not a size queen or anything, but he never speaks and he’s always hanging around his buddy Snoopy. Plus I’ve been to Knott’s Berry Farm and I was underwhelmed. He’s cute, but nothing special – and it's always weird to have a husband more attached to his best friend than he is to you.
8. Toucan Sam - "Froot Loops"
Part of a mediocre breakfast, and I'm definitely not waking up to that every morning forever. Be Fruity Pebbles or be nothing, Froot Loops.
7. Owl - "Winnie the Pooh"
I’m sorry, but it has to be said – where does Winnie the Pooh get off having an actual name when his friends are Owl the owl, Tigger the tiger, Piglet the pig, rabbit the rabbit and Kanga & Roo the kangaroos? And yes, before you ask, Eeyore clearly has enough on his plate so I’m not gonna load onto him but Winnie the Pooh (what even is a Pooh?) is out here living his best life and doesn’t care to learn his friends' actual names. Get a job, Winnie. Is it short for Winston? Who is this guy? I don’t trust it. What was I talking about?
6. Zazu - "The Lion King"
Listen, no disrespect to Rowan Atkinson (and only some disrespect to John Oliver), but Sweet Jiminy Christmas is this bird annoying. If I see a sick elephant graveyard and my husband is nag-nag-nagging me about “oh you shouldn’t go in there, it’s dangerous!” I would drop-kick him through an elephant rib cage and call it a field goal. Although I will say my husband should definitely call me sire, so that’s a plus.
5. The Penguins of Madagascar - "Madagascar", "Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa," "Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted," "Penguins of Madagascar," "The Penguins of Madagascar", "All Hail King Julien," "Madagascar: A Little Wild," "The Madagascar Penguins in A Christmas Caper," "Madly Madagascar," "All Hail King Julien: New Year's Eve Countdown", "All Hail King Julien: Happy Birthday to You", "Merry Madagascar"
I could talk about how a polyamorous relationship with a team of highly trained super-spies could be a fun way to add some spice and danger to my life, but honestly, this is more of a commentary on the ridiculous level to which Madagascar was franchised. Look at all those sequels! Did anyone really ask for a King Julien holiday special? Hollywood needs to be stopped.
4. Scrooge, Donald, Daisy, Huey, Dewey and Louie Duck - Disney
Writing this article really opened my eyes to the broad spread of the Duck family tree – I’ve only mentioned about 20% of them here. It’s no surprise the Ducks have a huge family tree though, they clearly come from money (I’m sorry, but you don’t have cousins named Humperdink and Goosetav without having a serious family endowment – plus so many of them are sailors!) and Scrooge definitely picked up a few tricks from Thumper the rabbit, if you know what I mean. He can dive into my DMs way he dove into that giant pile of gold coins.
3. The Owl From Those Tootsie Roll Ads - Those Tootsie Roll Ads
An intellectual with glasses and a sweet tooth? Yes, please. I think we’d bond quickly because I also bite into tootsie pops about three seconds in, plus I just saw a tweet (no pun intended) about how owls can sit criss-cross-applesauce so I think that’s cute.
2. Wan Shi Tong, He Who Knows Ten Thousand Things - Avatar: The Last Airbender
It’s almost cheating to compare a 30-foot-tall owl to the rest of these birds – I mean, snuggling Wan Shi Tong would be like drowning in the bastard lovechild of a down comforter and a cloud – but even if I weren’t a size queen (yeah sorry, I lied in the Woodstock paragraph, but what can I say? It matters) he would be a top-tier bird husband. We love a well-educated mans, plus the way he protects that library from humans? He would protect me the same way, and I’m into it.
1. The Birds That Help Cinderella Get Dressed In The Morning - "Cinderella"
There are no two ways about it: these are some platinum-level birds. We all sleep through our alarms every now and then, so having a husband that would wake me up with gentle bird-song, make the bed, fluff the pillow, dress me and then watch me enamored as I sing a delicate melody about hope and love and dreams and stuff? That’s the dream – or rather, that’s the wish my heart makes.