The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

Top tips for sustaining a semi-secret relationship

We’ve all seen The Office ー and yet not a single one of us could list every one of the (attempted) secret relationships that went down inside of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. There were just too many. The show truly is just a big game of who-likes-who, and yet not a single couple was able to successfully keep their relationship a secret in the end (enter Stanley’s divorce). So, Bluff is here to tell you where they went right and wrong… and to teach you how not to fail in all your undercover relationship endeavors.

5. Don’t email a nude picture of your secret partner to everyone in the office (@michael). This is a great way for people to not know you have a nude picture of that person.

4. Keep any and all romantic workplace encounters to a designated location where there are not cameras watching you (@literallyeveryoneindunermifflinatsomepoint). Closets are a great option. You don’t want to be aired on a documentary (or Barstool LMU) in the future.

3. Maintain a strictly professional relationship while in the workplace (@dwightandangela). Your cool demeanor and workplace attitude will certainly not raise any eyebrows. In fact, the more rude you are to each other during work, the less your coworkers will expect anything. Always opt for a formal handshake as your way to say hello. Or even better, just ignore each other altogether.

2. Don’t fight about your relationship in large shouting matches at work (@kellyandryan). By avoiding this, no one will wonder why your friendship just seems… so intense.

1. At the first sign of trouble, switch jobs and move cities (@jim). If you’re worried someone might be onto you and your partner, this move is a great way to throw people off.

However, The Office isn’t the only show with great (and terrible) advice for closeted relationships. Friends, too, has plenty to offer. For example, if you and your secret partner are ever caught sharing a peck, all you have to do is pull a Chandler and start kissing everyone. Blame it on your European ancestry or your desire to get more opinions about the new brand of gum you’re trying. It’s bound to be the perfect solution.

Happy hiding!

The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

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