The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

Job openings for graduating seniors

The Bluff would like to thank CPD for sharing some of their most sought-after job opportunities and for getting seniors into fulfilling careers such as diaper modeling.

It’s no secret that LMU has an exceedingly high post-graduation employment rate for its students — they’ve got your back if you’re looking for jobs once you graduate. Everything from resume help to an entire Career and Professional Development (CPD) office is wholly dedicated to the task. Following is a list of jobs recommended by CPD for seniors who don’t yet have one lined up.

Professionally model adult diapers. The adult diaper business is booming, due to the growing number of people who need every second they can get binge-watching Netflix. Wearing an adult diaper can save TV-watchers up to 23 minutes a day — an entire episode, depending on what they’re watching. CPD is recommending that aspiring actors, actresses, marketers, artists, entrepreneurs and businesspeople apply for this incredible chance to be a part of the up-and-coming adult diaper business. Models are specifically requested.

Personally attend to the University president. If you have experience clipping toenails, this might be the perfect job for you. LMU’s president is looking for a personal attendant to maintain his feet, cut his food into bite-sized pieces, curate unique daily playlists, monitor his hydration and reassure him that the new logo is indeed a good one. Calling all beauticians, musicians, nutritionists and people-pleasers. The job is a full-time position and pays 1/863rd of the President’s  annual salary (which we hear is a good amount).

Be a clown. “Anyone can be a clown!” exclaimed CPD career coordinator Marsha B. Adjobs. “All you have to do is paint a smile.” Clowning is an especially fulfilling career for those wishing to be actors or actresses, those with a special interest in children and those who enjoy both people-pleasing and evoking extreme fear. “The shoes are more comfortable than they look,” B. Adjobs assured students. “It’s truly a fun profession.”

Twirl signs. You know those people who get to wear fun costumes and stand on the curb outside a business spinning their signs? “It’s more than just a job. It’s an art,” said B. Adjobs. “We’re really encouraging students to get into the sign twirling industry because it’s low risk for high reward. You’re visible, you’re out there, you’re having fun while promoting something you love and are passionate about, whether that’s a fast-food restaurant or a carwash station. We recommend that theatre and marketing majors in particular take advantage of this unique opportunity.”

Whatever the job, there is no reason that a single LMU senior shouldn’t soon be employed with a job they adore. 

The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

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