The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

University Hall to remove escalators, replace with fun new alternative

You may have noticed the maintenance occurring on the escalators in University Hall. Perhaps you have been inconvenienced by it one too many times. It’s a burden, but there is a silver lining. They aren’t just fixing the escalators. Facilities Management is preparing for a big change.

“We know that it is frustrating, but we have a very exciting new addition to U-Hall," said representative Aaron Cross. “We are removing those pesky escalators and installing slides!”

That’s right. Soon, escalators will be a thing of the past. The idea is rumored to have begun when a high-level LMU donor went to a park with his child and noticed just how efficient the slides were.

“They’re cheap and they don’t break down. The hope is that slides will increase efficacy while adding fun,” said Cross. “The well-being of our students is our number one priority.”

Students have mixed feelings about the new installation. “Um. I don’t know. I feel like literally no one was asking for this,” said sophomore Alexa Miller. “It would be cool if they could like, fix the printers.”

“Yay, I guess?” commented another student. “Honestly though, I think they are dangerously misunderstanding our priorities.”

Of course, the slides do not come cheap. “Yes, we will be raising tuition to pay for the installation. But really, the experience is priceless,” said Cross. The project will be completed in spring 2025, so get used to walking across the building to change floors for a few more years.

“We’re hoping to set a precedent in higher education. This is really what will set us apart,” commented Cross. “We have many more ideas. We’re thinking of a rock climbing wall instead of elevators.”

Facilities Management refused to respond to the question, “How will we get back up?”

The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

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