The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

USPS gets hot for Democracy

Let’s be honest: sex sells. America has a long and romantic relationship with sexualizing unsexy things: candy, cars, burgers, the military. If there’s a chance to put a scantily clad woman in an advertisement, you bet we’ll take it. When in doubt, make it hot.

Donald Trump has made it clear that he is not a fan of the United States Postal Service. Trump claims USPS is overfunded, and mail-in voting will yield fraudulent results. While these claims are unfounded, if there’s anything we’ve learned from the last four years, it’s that fact and reason don’t motivate the president. While logic may not lead the commander-in-chief to uphold democracy, there’s one thing that will never fail, and that's taking advantage of horny old men.

Former Broadway costume designer and self-described "media mogul" James Harrison has been assigned to head up the task force. “It may be unethical, but the fact remains, USPS is crucially important to our country. So what if we have to raise their hemlines a bit?” Harrison stressed the appropriation of skimpy outfits for the modern progressive era. “We want to make one thing VERY clear. This is NOT about the objectification of women. This is about the objectification of mail. We at USPS consider ourselves feminists.”

All genders have been given three new uniform categories from which to choose. In addition to seasonal changes, the new uniform options will include Lycra shorts, sequin crop tops, 5-inch platform heels, and red, white and blue fishnets.

“We weren't expecting many takers but were pleasantly surprised by the response. Our employees loved it!” Harrison told Bluff. Jack Austin has been delivering with USPS for over 40 years. “Something happens when you get those short-shorts on. It’s just liberating.”

Along with uniforms, a few other changes have been implemented to make the USPS feel more desirable. All birthday card deliveries will be accompanied by a slow and sultry rendition of “Happy Birthday” à la Marilyn Monroe, and traditional stamps have been replaced with pictures of shirtless Founding Fathers.

“We’ve been compared to Hooters and Playboy, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. This is about doing what Americans do best: selling sex. But this time, it’s not some money-hungry old white man who’s making the profit. It’s democracy,” Said Harrison. Say what you want about the initiative, but one thing is for damn sure. I can’t WAIT to get my mail.

(0) comments

Welcome to the discussion.

Keep it Clean. Please avoid obscene, vulgar, lewd, racist or sexually-oriented language.
Don't Threaten. Threats of harming another person will not be tolerated.
Be Truthful. Don't knowingly lie about anyone or anything.
Be Nice. No racism, sexism or any sort of -ism that is degrading to another person.
Be Proactive. Use the 'Report' link on each comment to let us know of abusive posts.
Share with Us. We'd love to hear eyewitness accounts, the history behind an article.