The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

Why not wait until marriage?

These athletes are the shining beacons in a world full of jack rabbits. 

They walk among us. They get on the same metro as us. They drink the same Starbucks half-caf-double-mocha-fettucines as us. They even use the same Charmin ultrasoft two-ply TP as us. But whenever we make eye contact with them, we feel a power radiating from their pupils and beaming messages of overwhelming holiness directly into our eyeballs. It hurts and fills us with envy. What makes them so special? This question bounced around my brain like a beach ball at a Nickleback concert until I finally worked up the gumption to interview NYU professor of Theology Dr. Holden Iten, one of them.

“Why do these people seem so energetic and full of life?” I asked him. “They’re waiting for marriage, of course!” he said.

He offered me three reasons why waiting for marriage will bring you closer to God and give you that holy look in your eyes:

3. Waiting until marriage means you must be absolutely repugnant to thine neighbor, for the prophet James said: “You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world means enmity against God? Therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God.” Do as Ebenezer Scrooge and curse the world and all the people in it. This will definitely keep potential lovers at a chaste radius, and God will become very, very friendly with you, although He probably won’t be your wingman anytime soon.

2. You must treat your body like it is God’s body; hear thee the book of Corinthians: “Do you not know that you are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in you? If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy him. For God’s temple is holy, and you are that temple.” Be wary of those you engage in pre-marital relations with, for they hold the sledgehammer ready to topple your temple like a tower of Jenga. Even a mere hug is enough to send God’s spirit flying out of your body faster than you can say “crackers and wine.”

1. Heed the book of Genesis and learn from the titillating treason committed against God: “Onan knew that the offspring would not belong to him; so whenever he would sleep with his brother’s wife, he would spill his seed on the ground so that he would not produce offspring for his brother. What he did was evil in the Lord’s sight, so He put Onan to death.” Shall you choose to open up your basket and spill your seeds all over the floor like Onan, God will take away your life. Be warned.

Dr. Holden Iten shut his Bible and said: “If the word of the Lord leaves you unconvinced, numbers surely get you there. According to the Journal of Why Not Wait?, couples that wait until marriage report 22 percent more stability in their relationship than sinners. This is also why governments that don’t wait until marriage end up in instability and turmoil.”

That was all I needed to hear. He had me convinced. I think I’ll wait until marriage again.

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