The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

Young Patriots for Freedom's Hypocrite of the Year award presented to Rila Loades

Rila Loades was such an amazing HY award winner the organization was enraged that they couldn’t live to her standards.

Last week, Rila Loades, an anti-abortion activist, was awarded Hypocrite of the Year (HY) by LMU’s Young Patriots for Freedom (YPF) after coming to campus to proclaim how “murderous” it is to prioritize living women and children over sperm and eggs.

Hypocrite of the Year is one of YPF’s most prestigious awards. In 2018, the award went to Shen Bapiro, who used hate speech to call out Democrats promoting divisiveness. The year before, Tronald Dump received the honor for telling others that Orack Bobama wasn’t born in the U.S. — while Dump himself was not even born on planet Earth.

Rila Loades became a finalist for the award by preaching a message against abortion while  at the   same time voting against government support for kids and mothers on the grounds that she doesn’t “want her taxes going to the idiots who decided to have children.” But once YPF found out about her secret ties with Planned Parenthood, it became clear she would push past the finalists and become this year’s winner. 

During the talk, Loades made a (somewhat) decent argument for pro-lifers, if you ignore the fact that quotes were used out of context, stats were twisted and she (proudly) told the crowd that she pretends to be a sexual assault victim in front of doctors and authorities to try and trick them into offering her an abortion.

And, in case you didn’t catch that, she pretends to be a sexual assault victim. Which is maybe, just slightly, problematic.

Much of the talk focused around Planned Parenthood’s fraudulent practices, including how they offer contraception, help couples with fertilization, conduct cancer screenings and support patients through reproductive health education. Loades “simply cannot believe healthcare is available to women in such a capacity.” She went on to say that “women should never be able to get affordable healthcare. It’s a disgrace to society.”

Ironically, directly after the talk in which she proclaimed that the “modern-day feminist movement disgusts [her],” she was caught on tape calling herself a “feminist” while on a phone call. That call, along with everything else, won her the HY award.

She was speaking with Planned Parenthood to order her refill for birth control and ask if she could come schedule an appointment for a mammogram. In addition, she was caught inquiring about how her “gal pal” Paula Health, the desk receptionist, was doing. The two seemed to have a tight bond.

YPF has never had an easier time declaring a HY winner. It became obvious within the first six minutes of the conversation between Loades and Health that Loades has been utilizing Planned Parenthood’s services for years. It turns out she only speaks out against the nonprofit so that she can have them all to herself.

“Planned Parenthood is just so great that I don’t want to share,” she whined to Health. “I want you all to myself. Where else am I going to find affordable healthcare in today’s political climate?”

Loades says she feels “honored” to have received the award. She plans on being eligible again next year by getting an abortion herself or by donating to the border camps.

The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

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