Ladies and gentlemen, the time has come to talk about the silent killer that plagues our day-to-day existence. Kids who got an F in art know what I'm talking about. That's right, farts. More specifically, farting and not owning up to it.
Now, you may be reading this article thinking “What the blithering biscuit is this buffoon going on about, I don’t fart, I am a perfect specimen simply incapable of such a detestable bodily function.”
News flash: pediatricians across the nation have labeled fart-denial ‘an epidemic.'
People deny their farting practices because it's socially taboo, but they don't understand the health risks involved. High blood pressure, Arthritis, ADHD and thrombosis of the thumbs are possible consequences for deniers should they remain stuck in their ways.
Luckily, fart acceptance is a skill, just like dancing or riding a bike, and can be practiced daily. The following are excellent settings to develop your fart game.
3. On the Way to Class. You’re merrily walking to your class whistling "Puff the Magic Dragon" when suddenly, the urge strikes. You feel it building up like a pressure cooker, but you don’t want to let it out amongst the hordes of students walking along U-Hall bridge for fear of causing them to suffer from a sudden and inexplicable case of acute asthma.
Don’t worry, they won’t. Perform the ‘crop-dusting technique’. Yes, your imagination is serving you well. This technique is exceptionally handy as it allows for a quick getaway from the crime scene. Once you have reached a safe distance from the incident, smile you cheeky monkey — you did it!
2. During a Test. You’re in the middle of your sociology mid-term, and boom, it just comes out. This one wasn’t a slow burner, but a very audible phenomenon that would impress even the loudest trumpet player this side of the Mississippi.
Immediately, all you see are 30 disgusted faces staring at you. It’s very tempting to stay quiet or apologize, but then you’d be giving them what they want. Instead, return their hostile glances with a whimsical smile, Luna Lovegood style. Say something weird like “Oops, Horton hears a Poo” to sufficiently diffuse the situation.
1. In the Library. You’re in the thicket of the first floor computers. You know it’s coming because you’ve made it a new years resolution to be more in tune and accepting of your farts, so you let Jesus take the wheel and there she blows.
Now is no time to cower in your cloud of odorous shame. Stand up, slam the desk with your fists, and say “Twas me who dealt it!” Those around you will admire your courage and probably want to be friends.
Give it a go, I met a chap named Charlie using this method of dealing with farts and we’re good friends to this day.
Follow these steps and you're on your way to cultivating a warmer relationship with your farts. The Bluff advises you to practice in the gym because well, everybody farts in the gym — it’s a fact of life. Anywhere is fair game for toot tutorials. As a matter of fact, while I was writing this sentence I did the ol' two cheek sneak. Go figure.
The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional